The Mystery of the Missing Muggleborns
by the fish is now dead
Summary: Rose, Scorpius, and Albus are confused. Muggleborns all over the school have been disappearing for suspicious periods of time and then reappearing out of nowhere. What are they hiding? (I never thought I would write something based on a tumblr post, and yet... here we are.)


The Hogwarts Wi-Fi Debacle

OR

The Mystery of the Missing Muggleborns

The year was 2020, and for the first time in many years, Hogwarts was in disquiet. Students were once again segregated by blood status. People passed nervously through the halls, as though hiding something. There was an unmistakable air of unrest.

Our story begins as all great stories do: In the Great Hall at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where our three heroes have gathered to plot and maybe even eat lunch, as people are wont to do in the Great Hall at lunch hour.

"Something is very wrong here," said Scorpius Malfoy, who was cold, cunning, and startlingly good-looking.

"Something is indeed not right…That is to say, wrong," agreed Rose Weasley, the inevitable brain of the group. She was also startling good-looking, despite her gene pool, because nine out of ten fanfic authors can't stand to give their favourite characters physical flaws. In deep thought, she bit her lip and twisted a lock of her naturally perfect auburn hair in a Mary Sue-like way. Scorpius stared at her in a way that some might have described as adoring or something along those lines, but really he was just wondering what shampoo she used.

"Wait, what are we talking about?" interjected the ridiculously named Albus Severus Potter, both to establish his character as slightly less intelligent than his companions, and because now that our protagonists are introduced, the author needs a good segue to introduce the plot.

"Scorpius and I have noticed that some students have been mysteriously disappearing and then reappearing an hour later with no explanation," said Rose in a very Scooby-Doo-like way.

"They've been acting strangely and lying about where they've been," Scorpius added.

"Well, how do you know they're lying?" asked Albus, who will henceforth be known by the nickname "Al".

"Because for the purposes of this story, every single muggleborn in school is a terrible liar," Scorpius said. Al nodded in understanding.

"What we need is a plan to figure out what they're up to," Rose reasoned.

"Why don't we ask Marly?" Al asked, referring to a muggleborn OC. "She's our friend, she might tell us."

And so the group rushed up to the Gryffindor common room in search of said muggleborn. Conveniently, they found her diligently studying by the fireplace in the common room.

"Is it okay to interrupt her?" Rose whispered considerately, but Scorpius, being a bit self-centered, had already approached Marly, who was deeply engrossed in her potions textbook.

"Hey, Marly," Scorpius said, flashing her a smile hotter than global warming. "I have a question for you."

"Go for it," she said kindly despite having been rudely interrupted by a selfish prick.

"Well," Scorpius began, his voice full of honey, "we just noticed that you and some others have been leaving the common room every once in a while, and we just wondered where you were going…"

Her head snapped up from her book.

"W-What? We're not doing anything… Just, you know, hanging out… Studying… Regular things like that, nothing suspicious…"

"Marly, no one at Hogwarts studies except you and Rose," Scorpius scoffed.

She froze. Then she unfroze to make up a bad excuse to leave.

"I – uh – I have to go! I have an appointment with the guidance counselor… I mean the headmaster…" she scurried toward the dorms like a frightened mouse, bumping into the door on the way out.

"Wow, Scorpius, I know you said the muggleborns were bad liars in this story, but I didn't think they would be _that_ bad," Al said, amazed.

"Well, the writer hasn't had a conversation with a real person in a while," Scorpius rationed. "Cut her a break."

"Well, there goes that plan," Rose sighed, disappointed.

Suddenly, a suspicious looking first year boy entered the common room. Scorpius noticed him and, no doubt with a well-thought out plan, shouted to him:

"Oi! You!"

The boy, looking nervous, pretended he didn't notice, but our fourteen-year-old protagonists were smarter than that. They rounded on him.

"Hey kid," Scorpius said in a drug dealer-like way, "I'll give you five galleons if you tell me where all the muggleborns have been getting away to."

A devilish smile spread across the kid's face. "Show me the money."

Scorpius extracted five galleons from his pocket, because he was a rich pureblood who just sort of carried around a bunch of gold. "Tell us."

The eleven-year-old held out his hand, and Scorpius handed over the five galleons.

"They're sneaking off to… Another part of the castle."

And before the great team could register what had been said, the boy bolted. He has gone before any of the three realized what had happened.

"I can't believe that little bugger stole my money!" Scorpius cried out.

"I can't believe you got owned by a first year!" Al cried out. "That's it – we need to bring in an expert."

"Good idea!" Rose exclaimed. "Who?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Al said in an uncharacteristically mischievous way.

Page break because the author is too lazy to figure out a smooth transition

"You're kidding me," James Potter (not to be confused with the old one) laughed.

"We'll pay you," Scorpius pleaded. "Please, we're so curious where these damn muggleborns are sneaking off to."

"That's racist," James pointed out.

"What?"

"Never mind. How much are we talking?"

"Five galleons," Rose offered.

"Make it ten," James countered.

"Fine," Scorpius scoffed. "But you don't get it until after."

"Deal. Also, you three are idiots."

"No, we're not!" Al defended.

"Yeah, you are," James said, pulling out his invisibility cloak. "All you had to do was follow them."

And that's how the four teenagers ended up crammed under one cloak (let's just suspend our disbelief here), following Marly McDougall down one of Hogwarts' many narrow passageways.

"This is ridiculous," Rose complained.

"Do you want me to help you or not?" James argued. "Now shut up."

Finally they came to a familiar wall. Marly walked back and forth until a door appeared – The Room of Requirement! How unpredictable.

And _that's_ how the group found themselves face to face with a naked woman. Not a real naked woman, a naked woman on a screen.

"Gross!" said Rose.

"Awesome!" said James.

"What was that?" exclaimed a muggleborn, looking around frantically.

"Aha!" shouted Scorpius, throwing off the invisibility cloak. "We've caught you! We've caught you!"

"This isn't what it looks like!" Marly said helplessly.

"I think it's exactly what it looks like," said James. "You've been watching porn in the Room of Requirement!"

"It's not porn, I swear!" cried another muggleborn. "We're just streaming the new episode of Game of Thrones!"

"It's a pity you didn't bust us on a day we were watching Doctor Who," Gloria Hoffmann, a Hufflepuff muggleborn admitted. "It's a lot more family friendly."

"You see," Marly explained to the confused pureblood group, "in the muggle world we have something called Internet, but it doesn't work at Hogwarts. So we sneak in here to keep up with the TV shows we're missing at home."

"We didn't want anyone to know because, well, Game of Thrones isn't exactly G-rated," said another muggleborn.

"So you've been sneaking off to watch porn this whole time?" Rose asked, floored.

"IT'S NOT PORN!" everyone shouted.

"It's _art!_ " added a bespectacled fifth year.

"Prove it," Albus the Ridiculously Named demanded, crossing his arms.

Marly shrugged. "Watch an episode with us."

And so they did.

And that's the three-page summary of how James, Albus, Rose, and Scorpius became addicted to Game of Thrones.

* * *

Aaaand abrupt ending.

This is the first thing I've uploaded on here in almost two years. Sorry.

Note: I have never seen Game of Thrones. Also, this story is definitely based on a tumblr post. Sorry again.

Thanks for reading!


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